I Speak With the Tongue of a Thousand White-Hot Lies!

Me: Scoottt … I need the octopus chandelier!

Z:  You don’t need it–I mean, it’s cool, but kinda creepy.

Me: No, I neeeeed it.

Z:  You don’t need it.

Me:  Okay, I waaant it, really a loooottt …

Z:  (pats my leg) That’s a much better way of putting it. 

One of the ways we show love in this family is to poke and prod each other.

Scott was trying to get Z. to bug me, and Z. refused.

"Why?" asked Scott.

"Because I don't want her to get aggravated with me."

Okay, I'm going to keep a running list of Z. quotes here for my grandmother's Christmas gift:

January 3, 2011

ZQOtD: (on the wind machine at the Imaginarium) I wore goggles so my eyeballs wouldn't blow away.

January 16, 2011:

Upon my arrival in the living room:
Z: What do you want, Mom?
L: Love, and respect ...
Z: (throws arms around me, hugs) Respect, respect ...

January 20, 2011:

Oh, and, he told the receptionist at the doctor's office, "I have a funky rash, and the doctor needs to see it."

January 27, 2011:

ZQOtD: "If you went away, Mom, things would be easier for me."

February 4, 2011:

ZQOtD: "Thanks, Mom. Keep the cuteness up."

February 7, 2011:

The pickup truck ahead of us has the tailgate open to allow for a huge box. Z says: "That truck is open. That's bad parentin'."

February 14, 2011:

So Z picked out a Valentine for Scott that featured a guy playing Cupid. His exact words were: "Hey, Mom, how about the one with the naked guy wearing angel wings?"

February 23, 2011:

On the way to school:
Z: (mournful) they were my bestest friends, and now they're gone ...
L: Who were?
Z: (wails) My adenoid buddies! I MISS THEM!

February 25, 2011:

Z. just informed Mickey Mouse that he would like a pet dog and a pet camel.

March 4, 2011:

Z: I'm going to Ohio to see my Grandma and Grandpa.
Scott: What about me? I thought I was going, too.
Z: Me and Mom. Oh, and you, too, Dad.

3/17:

The dog across the street is barking, as is its wont. This has sparked barking from other dogs in the vicinity.

Z, shouting out the window to them: "Dogs, can you keep the racket down?!" (more barking) "I don't know Dog, so I can't understand what you're saying!"

April 14, 2011:

Apparently, God put the gumball machines in Publix. So sayeth the Zweeble.

April 26, 2011:

Me: Where does the Easter Bunny like to eat?
Z: Where?
Me: IHOP!
Z: (chuckles) IHOP ... come hungry, leave happy.

April 30, 2011:

The Zweeble's new favorite video. Scott watched and said, "It's a nightmare, except it's cute!" Z replied, "It's a cute-mare!"

May 3, 2011:

Z: (on computer, which is loading a page) I'm in the middle of nowhere. [page loads, comes up with a printable coloring page] Now I'm in the middle of blahwhere.

May 10, 2011:

ZQOTD: "This is the Tyrannosaurus rex. He was the biggest living thing ever. He roamed the earth ... in a *day.* Now he is made into plastic."

May 16, 2011:

At the grocery store; Scott has just picked him up and put him in the cart because he ran away from us:

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!! I'M A TEENAGER!!!"

(Scott has been playing a video game. Z climbs up into Scott's spot on the couch and grabs the controller.)
Scott: Hey, are you hijacking my game?
Z: I don't know what hijacking is. I just want to play it for a little while.


May 25, 2011:

Laura Quote of the Day: "When you talk through the kazoo, I can't understand you."

May 28, 2011:

ZQOtD: (in a gentle, "come on, you know this one" tone) Daddy, vampires are *nocturnal.*

June 2, 2011

Z and I are arguing about taking the cushions off the couch. I'm saying no, he's yelling back. I say, "If those cushions are not back on that couch by the time I count to three--"

All arguing stops, he's hauling the cushions back to the couch like the hounds of hell are after him ... and I'm standing in the kitchen trying to stifle my hysterical laughter. I have leveled up my Mom-fu!

June 11, 2011:

(The Zweeble is peeling the wrapper off a crayon.)
Scott: Who's going to clean up the paper on the floor?
Z: Daddy?
Scott: No ...
Z: Mommy?
Scott: No ...
Z: Old man Jenkins?

June 12, 2011:

Z: Mom, Thomas Edison lives in the past. And I am *not* time traveling.
L: Good. Time travel is nothing but headaches. (calling after him as he runs out of the room) And girls ain't nothing but trouble!

6/13:

So earlier today, Z started pulling the wrappers off his crayons, and wanted to know what the word for doing so was called. I made a couple of suggestions, and he chose to adopt "nakefying." So this evening I asked him why he's nakefying all his crayons, and he replied, "Because I thought they'd all match and be happy in the nudie nude."

7/12:

Whilst watching "The Avengers," Z. informed me that the frost giants Thor was fighting are named Bob, Skid-O, and Geoffrey.


7/8:

So Z has a small box full of rubber super-bounce balls. Last night he declared them weapons. Which gives us the ZQOtD: "I WILL DEFEAT YOU WITH MY BALLS OF DOOM!"

7/20:

All right. So Z. had a hangnail, and I was cutting it off with our manicure scissors. Now, I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, and I accidentally poke him with the scissors (not hard, but where his toe is tender).

Z: Ow. Jeeesus.

L: What?

Z: Jesus. It's what you say when things hurt.*

L: I don't think you should be saying that, though.

Z: Why? Daddy says it all the time.

(At this point, Scott jumped in with an explanation, because I was so space-ily bemused at the fact that Z had come out with Daddy says it that I never actually formulated an answer.)

*This is what happens when the atheist and the agnostic have a kid. That and, "God lives at the center of the earth."

7/22:

ZQOtD 1: "Shame on you, for taking my friends out of my bed."

ZQOtD 2: "Mom, you know nothing of humor."

ZQOtD 3: "Dad is so out of it."

---

One of the ways we show love in this family is to poke and prod each other.

Scott was trying to get Z. to bug me, and Z. refused.

"Why?" asked Scott.

"Because I don't want her to get aggravated with me."

7/27:

Z.: The girls at my school are freaking me out!

Me: What are they doing?

Z.: They keep looking at me with their big, mocking eyes, and saying "We're still looking at you, we're still looking at you!"

Me: Why are they looking at you?

Z: (in a tone of total disgust) Because I'm *cute!*

8/11:

Z. and Daddy are playing a video game. Daddy is explaining what Z. needs to do. ZQOtD: "What the hell does 'shoot' mean?" Aaand when I went in to get him off time out, I told him to please refrain from using grown-ups-only words like that (without saying the word), and he asked, "Only grown-ups can say 'hell,' right?"

8/14:

Yesterday I showed Z something really neat. "What the?!" he exclaimed. Then, whispered in my ear, "I'm trying really hard to not say 'hell,' Mom."

8/18:

ZQOtD: "Thomas Edison builded everything. He invented stuff with electricity, and toys."

8/19:

Zweeble Exchange of the Day:

Z: (cranky) I'm going to play my MobiGo *alone,* because it's a big boy ga--OOOWWWW! I STUBBED MY TOE!

Me: Do you need a kiss to make it better?

Z: (forlorn) Yes.

--

Me: Is it just me, or do people kvetch any time a President goes on vacation?

Scott: I think that's true.

Z: I think that's just you.

8/20:

ZQOtD (so far): Why do you always give me the sassy talk?

8/22:

ZQOtD: (to Daddy) I can't see through your big, bulgy body.

8/25:

Oh, ZQoYesterday: (upon getting some candy) Ahhh, the chocolatey goodness of M&Ms.

8/31:

ZQOtD: "Don't be seduced by the dinosaur-ness!"

9/4:

And, today's ZQOtD, after offering me a taste of his Kool-Aide: "It's freaking good."

9/7:

ZQOtD: (when asked if the new kid in his class is nice) "Yeah. But his heart approves violence."

9/16:

Z is watching the end of "Muppets Take Manhattan." The minister asks if Kermit takes Piggy in marriage, Kermit hesitates:

Z (whispers): Say "I do!"

Kermit says "I do":

Z: Ahhh, that's better.

10/7:

Z just told Scott, "Help, don't hinder."

10/14:

Z is playing Lego Star Wars. He's in an Imperial Walker, saying (in a deep Zweeble voice), "I am a giant robot. I stomp on things. Heh-heh."

10/15:

Today my son told me, "You could be bald and have a big nose, like Daddy, and I'd still love you!"

10/29:

ZQOTD: "Can't a Zhu Zhu Pet get some candy?"

So at the Halloween Festival, Z was getting ready to play a game where you toss a spider and stomp it. The man is explaining this to Z at *length.* Z holds up a hand, shakes his head & says, "Wait, wait, hold up: are these *fake*?"

11/5:

So we're making the boy pick up his Magic cards. ZQOtD: "My arms are aching, you know--aching with pain."

11/9:

ZQOtD: "I like my room messy, because I have a messy polarity."

11/11/11:

Z just asked Scott, "Am I irresistible?" (I don't know why, no.)


Nov. 14, 2011

Z: I don't want a brother or a sister.

L: Good, because Daddy and I aren't having any more kids.

Z: Because you're all out of baby making.

I was telling Scott this story. We were both cracking up over it, and then we heard this little voice:

"Guys, can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep in here!"

We,, we were going to go to the park and play and have a picnic, and I'd planned a surprise trip to Coldstone for ice cream ...

...except that we started looking at a web site the Zweeble had wanted to check out, couldn't get it to work, and from there things devolved, he said he didn't want to go to the park, and then from there we hit rock bottom and he's grounded from Spongebob for the day.

Oh, the joys of a three-year-old.

And now I have to figure out lunch for the both of us, as we were going to stop and get our picnic foods on the way to the park. Oh, and clean up the house again--part of getting out of the house is keeping it clean for another day.

Well, whatever, we'll survive. He's had a rough week, what with another ear infection and the attendant side effects from the medication, and he's tired ... and I'm in the middle of work stress, myself, and not really in a good mood. But these are temporary things. And I can tell his ears are getting better because he's not trying to turn the TV up to 35 or constantly repeating, "What did you say, Mom?"

All right. I will not have another chance for a day off until next Friday (maybe), so I'm going to straighten up the house and then get the boy down for a nap, at which point I will be reading until he wakes up or my brain goes fuzzy. That is my plan.

ZQOtD: After retiring to the bedroom in a huff: "Ahhh, now I can have some alone time."

Well, after two restless nights the Zweeble seems to be improving quite a bit. He still insists that his mouth is broken, because it's hard to swallow (they didn't take his tonsils, though), and this is his reason not to eat anything. Even Happy Meals are too much for the poor little man. Well, except if you leave them out on the couch for a while; while mesmerized by Spongebob, the Zweeble will eat his McNuggets and fries without actually realizing it.

The Happy Meal did lead to the ZQOtD: "Apple juice would be rockin'."

His nose is absolutely disgusting. The flyer the ENT gave us mentioned a pinkish discharge as being normal. The doctor said we might get some "funky colored"* discharge for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks. Okay, seriously, the child is expelling gallons of green, yellow, and yellowish-brownish-grayish toxic goo from his nasal cavities. It's disturbing to the point that I called the doctor's office thinking perhaps he had an infection or maybe a cold--nope, that's what they meant by "funky colored."

For the record, I have seen nothing pinkish or reddish.

His breath, however, is bad, just as advertised.



*yes, that is the proper medical terminology; a doctor said it, and who am I to question the cute physician?

"Why did this storm come to earth and make all these drops?"

Yes, this is what I get for trying to explain tropical storms to the boy.

ZQOVacation:

"This cliff could be a problem."

"Aaron, we have a big problem--Mom took the laser pointer away!"

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Teeter-saws and citeratops.

"Mom! I have some plastic! Can you put it in the recyclin' bin for me? My juice box?"